He who laughs last didn't get it.

When there's a will, I want to be in it.

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."

Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.

There are three sides of an arguement -- your side, my side and the right side.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

The road to success is always under construction.

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.

Note - The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.

"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." -George W. Bush

Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Your mama is so fat, when she sings, its over.

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement.

A penny saved is ridiculous.

Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.

In God we trust; all others must pay cash.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

How do you get a Kleenex to dance?
Put a little boogy in it!

Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million.

What's brown and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's First Movement.

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

You know the speed of light;so what is the speed of dark ?